Harry and Draco learn About the Birds and the Bees
by Pocky Faery1
Summary: a funny story about Draco and Harry "discovering" the birds and the bees...will be H/D slash, you're warned!
1. In the Malfoy House

Disclaimer: this story is completely humor, it was going to be a one shot, but I couldn't   
  
bear to leave it so short! Let me say that I do not own Harry Potter or any related   
  
Characters, they are owned by J. K. Rowling and publishers, and I do not own Sailor   
  
Moon or Whinnie the Poo Cookies, which are owned by Naoko Takeuchi and Nabisco respectively.   
  
This story is slash, m/m, and if you have a problem with this then please discontinue   
  
reading. Also, it tends to get a bit lemony, so bear that in mind as well.  
  
In Which Harry and Draco learn about the Birds and the Birds  
  
~Pocky Faery~  
  
Chapt. One: In the Malfoy House...  
  
"You see, Draco, there comes a time in every boy's life...er...well, that is, in every   
  
man's life..." Lucius Malfoy paused to cough. "What I mean to say is, when a boy feels   
  
more like a man...er..."  
  
Draco Malfoy, 15 years old, was sitting uncomfortably perched on the edge of his bed   
  
while his father stuttered through what as obviously an ill-prepared speech. "Dad, it's ok.   
  
I think I know what you're trying to say."  
  
"You do?" Surprise mixed with relief chased itself across Lucius's face. "Well, then, I'll   
  
just be going then..." he started to jump up from the bed and run for the hills.  
  
"Yep..." Draco steadily avoided meeting his father's eye. "You wanted to talk to me   
  
about sex."  
  
"WHAT?!" His father screamed before he could stop himself. "Se-se-sex?" he sputtered   
  
quite noticeably saying the word. "I wanted to talk to you about joining the Death Eaters   
  
and how you're absolutely *too young*."  
  
Draco's white marble skin began to turn a delicate shade of red. "You, uhm, didn't want   
  
to talk to me about sex..." his voice trailed off and his father wheeled around to face him.  
  
" No, I sure as bloody hell didn't. Come to think of it, you're too young for that too! Of   
  
all the ridiculous things I have ever heard...my son having-..." He paused by the door and   
  
turned to face Draco again. "We'll talk about the Death Eater's later and...why, oh why,   
  
would your mind have automatically wondered to *that* of all things?!"  
  
With the door now slammed firmly shut, Draco lazily pointed his wand in its direction   
  
and used a locking charm to insure no one could enter. He was lying on his back and   
  
staring at his ceiling, enchanted to look like his favorite show, Sailor Moon, when the   
  
anger started to seep in. *Why should I even want to be a Death Eater?* he wondered,   
  
punching his pillow with one hand and using his wand to destroy random things on his   
  
bedside table.   
  
It seemed he fell asleep, because moments later he was walking across the Great Hall at   
  
Hogwarts, and his fellow Slytherins were all pointing at him and laughing, muttering   
  
things under his breath he couldn't quite hear. Absurdly, he walked up to Harry Potter   
  
and asked him why they were laughing.  
  
"Isn't it obvious, my love? They are laughing at us!" and with that, Potter leaned in for a   
  
kiss, with Hermione Granger in the background whispering a simple spell they could use   
  
for stopping the laughter.   
  
He woke in a cold sweat, not at all happy to see that his *Mr. Happy* was alive and well   
  
in response to the dream of Potter's lips on his. Sensing that trying to suppress this new   
  
found *cough, cough* fascination with Potter would only drive him crazy, he unbuttoned   
  
his black button up shirt, pulled off his also black "sexy sexy" pants, and decide to take   
  
out his long time pent up sexual frustration on *Mr. Happy*. However, when he was in   
  
the middle of screaming Potter's name, his father broke the anti opening charm on his   
  
door and walked in.  
  
"Oh for Christ's sake, boy, put your pants on, I'll talk to you about se-se-se..." he left it   
  
at that and walked downstairs.  
  
An hour later...  
  
(Hey, Draco was enjoying himself)   
  
Draco walked downstairs to where his father was sitting on the couch next to Voldemort.   
  
"Hey Voldie-waldy! Long time to Crucio, huh?"  
  
Voldemort chuckled appreciatively and gave Draco a big sloppy kiss on the cheek. "Your   
  
father tells me you've been doing some, uh, experimenting with your, er...wand."  
  
Draco had the good sense to look abashed and his father pulled something out from under   
  
the couch cushion.   
  
"Well, son. I bought this for you to look at. It should answer any questions you have. But   
  
let me tell you, this better be as close as you get to the real thing until your of age, you   
  
hear me?!" Draco nodded dimly, wondering what on Earth it could be his father was   
  
holding.  
  
He reached out his hand and into it fell the August edition of Playboy. Of course, this   
  
being a wizarding house, all the girls on the cover were bewitched and were moving in   
  
ways that were quite suggestive of things that made Draco blush.   
  
"But I thought Hugh Heffner was a Muggle!"  
  
"Don't be silly, boy. How do you think he gets all those girls? Honestly, I thought   
  
Severus-bunkins said you were the top of you're class!"  
  
Draco nodded absentmindedly and thought to himself if his father would ever figure out   
  
that Playboy did not suit his...er...*tastes*.  
  
Probably not.  
  
Resigning himself to this fact, he turned back to Voldie-waldy and grabbed the box of   
  
Whinne the Poo cookies.   
  
~End~ 


	2. In the Dursley House

Disclaimer: this story is completely humor, it was going to be a one shot, but I couldn't   
  
bear to leave it so short! Let me say that I do not own Harry Potter or any related   
  
characters, they are owned by J. K. Rowling and publishers, and I do not own Sailor   
  
Moon or Wheat Thins, which are owned by Naoko Takeuchi and Nabisco respectively.   
  
This story is slash, m/m, and if you have a problem with this then please discontinue   
  
reading. Also, it tends to get a bit lemony, so bear that in mind as well.  
  
In Which Harry and Draco learn about the Birds and the Birds  
  
~Pocky Faery~  
  
Chapt.Two: In the Dursley House...  
  
Harry Potter, teenage wizard, better known as The Boy Who Lived, was sitting on his bed one hot August afternoon, staring at the calendar marking down the days till his return to Hogwarts. The steamy air coming through the window combined with the cake Hermione had sent in his stomach were making him drowsy...  
  
He drifted off to sleep, and surprise surprise where did his dreams take him but Hogwarts!  
  
He was in Potions, thinking to him self that it could've at least been a *good* dream, when he saw it...across his bubbling cauldron he laid eyes on the object of his desire for the past 4 years...  
  
Draco Malfoy.  
  
A voice in the back of Harry's head was screaming that this nightmare was getting worse and worse, but the Harry in the dream continued to stare dreamily into Draco's eyes.  
  
Suddenly Hermione popped up next to him, wearing Ravenclaw quidditch robes. (Well, that's not right...?) said the voice in the back of his head. "Hey Harry, I just heard that Draco has an evil plot ready for you!!!"  
  
Harry suddenly jumped onto Snape's desk and his robes burst off revealing a superman uniform. "I will VANQUISH him!" he yelled triumphantly. The rest of Potion's was spent chasing Draco around his cauldron in circles, getting extremely dizzy but aided but anti-puke charms by Ron of all people. He finally grabbed the hem of Draco's robe and pulled him to the ground.   
  
"HA! Evil spawn of the husband of my cousin's cousin who is my Godfather!" he said.  
  
"huh?" asked Draco, who had no idea that Narcissa Malfoy was really Narcissa Black, cousin of Sirius Black.   
  
"I see that your stupidity exceeds expectations..." Harry continued in the booming superhero voice. "So what is you evil evilly evil plan, you dastardly prat!?"  
  
Draco looked at the floor. "Ok, I'll tell you. First I was going to hit you over the head with a wet fish, thereby making you pass out, and then I was going to drag you to the Slytherin common room where I was going to ravish you in the hope that you would reveal secrets to me that are helpful to my father the Death Eater!"  
  
At that, Harry woke up, also in a cold sweat, and looked around his room, making sure that this really had been simply a dream. Him, having illicit thoughts for in the middle of potions! That was rubbish...  
  
The next morning, however, after a particularly...uh...detailed dream about Malfoy, he was forced to consider other wise.   
  
"Hmm...I think I like Draco. OK!" he hopped off his bed and headed to his desk, where he promptly drew many shiny pictures with his brand new pack of 64 crayola sparkly crayons. "Yay!"  
  
Harry was in the middle of a particularly...er...colorful picture of himself on his Firebolt, when his bedroom door opened and Vernon walked in.  
  
"Boy," he began, "Petunia is insisting I talk to you."  
  
Harry dropped his crayons, wondering what on Earth it could be that Petunia would insist Vernon talked to him about.   
  
"Well, she has noticed an increase in our little Ickle Dudly-kuns's interest in the, er, opposite gender. And she thinks that even your kind might need to be aware, er, that certain things happen at, er, certain times in a boys life, er..." Vernon trailed off uncertainly and looked at the floor.  
  
"It's ok, I already learned about all that stuff at Hogwarts!" At the sound of the name of the Wizard school, Vernon turned a rather delicate shade of purple and swelled up like a large bullfrog.   
  
"I will NOT" he punched the bed "TOLERATE" punch "MENTION" punch "OD THAT FOOLISHNESS" punch "UNDER MY ROOF!" and with that he seemed a little calmer and threw something vaguely in Harry's direction. "Petunia will send dinner up later."  
  
Harry watched his uncles retreating back before finally looking at the box in his hands.   
  
"10 lubricated condoms!" It proclaimed.  
  
"Gah!" said Harry, before stuffing the box in his trunk and pretending it didn't exist.   
  
"Sex talk my sweet, Quidditch toned ass!"   
  
~END~ 


	3. On The Hogwarts Express

Disclaimer: this story is completely humor, it was going to be a one shot, but I couldn't   
  
bear to leave it so short! Let me say that I do not own Harry Potter or any related   
  
characters, they are owned by J. K. Rowling and publishers.   
  
This story is slash, m/m, and if you have a problem with this then please discontinue   
  
reading. Also, it tends to get a bit lemony, so bear that in mind as well.  
  
For this chappie, I was leaning heavily on the cliché to get me through. Please don't critisize what Draco's thinking b/c I wrote it to be stupid and cliché on purpose. Thank you!  
  
In Which Harry and Draco learn about the Birds and the Birds  
  
~Pocky Faery~  
  
Chapt.Three: On the Hogwarts Express  
  
*Draco's POV*  
  
I heaved my trunk into the baggage cart and turned to hug my mommy- er, my mom goodbye. Not that's Draco Malfoy hugs people...  
  
::cough, cough::  
  
She pressed a handkerchief to her nose delicately and said in a teary voice "I'll miss you, my little Ickle-"  
  
Thankfully, I silenced her before she could get too far with that and I hopped on the train. As an after thought, I stuck my head through the window and whispered "Tell Voldie-Waldy I'll miss him!" She nodded and joined the queue lining up to be let back through Platform 9 and three-quarters.   
  
Of course, I immediately rounded up my old crowd, Crabbe, Goyle, and Pansy, and went to search out Potter. Or should I say Harry, my sweet Harry, who of course I am madly in love and lust with and I have been struggling to hide it since my first year at dear old Hogwarts.  
  
Oh dear, the inner passion is tearing me apart. Why do I taunt him and torment him, letting such hate fill my voice when I say his name? WHY OH WHY GOD!!!!  
  
I should really stop, bursting into to tears on the train, while it would excellently compliment my angsty torn inside struggling with good and evil image would just not be good for my hard-ass image. And we do have to keep up appearances, now don't we?  
  
::smirk::  
  
It's so much fun being me.   
  
With my great hulking cronies at my side I sat out for the last car in the train, where I can always find Potter and his friends. I mean, Harry-arry-kins.  
  
::smiles like a love sick puppy::  
  
But to my surprise, what did I find when I opened the door but Potter, all alone!  
  
"Where's the mudblood, Potter?" I asked, my voice dripping with that perfect mix of icy sarcasm and I-could-care-less-ness.  
  
"Not that it's any of your business, *malfoy*,"  
  
--Oh, my heart wrenches to hear my name uttered from his beautiful lips with such venom...--  
  
"but Hermione took it upon herself to uphold her new *Prefect* duties immediately, and the rest of my company had to clean up a major spill of stinksap."  
  
I stole a guilty glance at the Prefect badge on my robes, how could I get one and not the love of my life? Is there no justice in the world!? ::tear::  
  
"Uh, Malfoy...are you alright?" Harry was looking at me with the same disgusted look in his eyes but this time, underlying it, was...concern? I turned to Crabbe, Goyle, and Pansy and told them to go meet me in our car.  
  
Pansy, the simpering little twit, looked positively put-out. "Why?" she whimpered.  
  
God, I want to smack her sometimes.  
  
"Because," I said slowly, as if talking to a dimwitted child, "I want to dispose of *Potter*"  
  
--there goes that heart wrenching again-  
  
"in peace."  
  
She suddenly looked like she got it and left with the other two.  
  
Harry looked across the car into my eyes, flashing anger and hatred with every blink, and I moved closer to him, pulling my wand out of my robe as I did so. Before I could even move, he shouted "Expelliarmus!" and my wand was wrenched from my fingers. He continued his one sided duel while I did nothing but stare into his beautiful emerald eyes. "Accio Draco!"  
  
I was pulled by an inexplicable force into his fingers, one of his hands clutching my robe in a death grip. Of course, I was flushed with a foxish lust at the close contact and his hot breath on my cheeks. But I also knew that I couldn't let him win a duel between us, not with my posse on the train, so I pulled myself from his grip and turned suddenly.   
  
"Accio wand!" My wand flew into my hands and I thought franticlly what I could use to disarm Potter   
  
--my sweet sweet little bundle of Quidditch sex appeal-  
  
to disarm him mentally instead of physically. A malfoy would never duel with someone not armed with a wand, at least a wizard. We may not have had entirely clean hands, but we maintained some semblance of honor! So instead I threw a Stupify in Harry's direction and headed for his trunk.  
  
"Alohamora!" I muttered, getting the trunk to open. "Hmmm..." with my tongue sticking out from between my teeth I set out going through his trunk until...  
  
"Holy Shit!" my hand had strayed onto what was unmistakably a box of   
  
::cough::  
  
protection. Was he shagging the mudblood? It was unthinkable! He should be shagging me every night? What was the world coming to when that buch toothed chit could get come but I, Draco Malfoy, babe and of course oh so sexy, would NOT?   
  
Well, I guess there was time to seduce him later. Right now, I was so angry all I wanted to do was whip his ass.  
  
--mmmmm, whip. Harry....whip. mmmmmmmmmmm...-- 


End file.
